Why You Should Be Kind

**Adapted from my upcoming book: How To Feel Good

We all know what kindness is and we all know it feels good, both when giving and receiving. Kindness fosters connection, reduces stress, and improves mood. According to the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation, kindness decreases pain, stress, anxiety, depression, and blood pressure, and increases lifespan! A lot of these benefits are due to the release of feel good hormones like oxytocin, endorphins, and serotonin when giving, receiving, or even just witnessing acts of kindness.

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone and helps bring us closer to each other. You may have noticed the release of oxytocin when being hugged by a loved one or when receiving a compliment from a friend, but you also release oxytocin when you do the hugging or the complimenting, in fact, you may release more.

“People 55 and older who volunteer for two or more organizations have an impressive 44% lower likelihood of dying early, and that’s after sifting out every other contributing factor, including physical health, exercise, gender, habits like smoking, marital status and many more. This is a stronger effect than exercising four times a week…”

Wow, that’s huge. 

Helping Others

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” - Fred Rogers

We were meant to help each other. As I said before in the chapter on connection, we’re social animals. We thrive on cooperation.

Back when I was in high school, a friend of mine, Wills (yes, with the -s) used to drive me home from school sometimes. This same friend had taken it upon himself to raise money for a person named Trinny in our community. Trinny was an adult who had several learning disabilities, a rough childhood, and recently, had had his bike stolen. Trinny’s bike was his sole means of transportation. This was a devastating blow to Trinny, and my friend Wills, took it upon himself to raise money to get Trinny a new bike. He walked around school every day with a jar, getting coins and singles from the other students, and eventually he had enough to buy Trinny a new bike. 

Here was the problem. The school administration didn’t want him to do this. He wasn’t an organization unto himself and they couldn’t vet what he was raising money for, so they continually harassed him, tried to make him stop, and even confiscated his money. What did they do with that money they took from him? I don’t think we’ll ever get to know the answer to that. But as I said, he eventually prevailed. He raised enough money, bought Trinny a bike, and it was time to deliver it.

So Wills has the bike in the back of his pick-up truck and he says to me, “Hey do you want to come with while I look for Trinny to give him this bike?” And I said yes. The first place we went was a regional entertainment chain, similar to a Barnes & Noble or Borders, called Hastings. And wouldn’t you believe it, Trinny was at Hastings. It took us less than ten minutes to find him. So Wills talks to Trinny, asks him to come outside, shows him the bike, and Trinny is confused. Wills says, “it’s yours, try it out” and so Trinny does. But he still can’t believe it. There’s no way someone just went and got him a new bike. But that was the case, Wills had done exactly that. Before long Trinny was sobbing from joy, Wills couldn’t hold back the tears, and neither could I.

That moment changed me forever. Until then I didn’t realize how much agency we had to affect the world in a positive way. I didn’t realize how much potential a single individual has within them to Do Good. That act of kindness made an impression on me that would last forever. And I was just a witness! Despite not having any resources of his own, despite the school administration trying to stop him, Wills prevailed. And for what reason? Because he wanted to. He saw something that needed to be done to better the life of another, to alleviate the suffering of another, and he did it. Incredible.

This should serve as a blueprint for how we relate to each other in this world. I see similar examples all around me. Just look at the success of Food Not Bombs or maybe Portland’s Free Fridges. There’s countless examples of what Peter Kropotkin would call “mutual aid”, or, ‘the voluntary exchange of resources, support, and services among people or communities to meet collective needs, often in the face of systemic failures or crises’.

Do you know of someone who needs help? What resources do you have? Time, a car, some knowledge? Ask others: what do you need? And then ask yourself: is it within my power to give it to them? You might be surprised at what you find out. 

If you’re feeling stuck and you don’t know how to help someone then look for the helpers. Learn from them. Ask them how you too can help.

“Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering, including personal contact, visits, images, and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.” - Engaged Buddhism’s Fourth Precept 

Small (And Sometimes Random) Acts of Kindness

Kindness doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be world shattering. Start small. Find someone to say something nice to. Maybe it’s your friend or relative, maybe it’s your co-worker. “You did a great job on that project.” Notice how it makes them react. Notice how it makes you feel. Make a point to say kind things. If you notice that you’re thinking something nice, say it out loud. If you don’t have anyone to say it to then say it to yourself! Carry extra small bills around to give to those who ask for help. Tip your barista or server an extra dollar or two. Get in the habit of small kindnesses. It subtracts nothing from you to be kind. So be kind, let it ripple out into the world and add joy to those around you and yourself.

Loving Kindness

If you want to give kindness to someone else but aren’t able to, then meditate on it. This is a loving kindness meditation. “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be free from suffering”. Those are the classic lines, but you can make up your own. I like to repeat to myself, “May you show kindness to others and may others show kindness to you.”

Think of someone and repeat those phrases in your mind, as if you’re speaking it aloud to them. Think of yourself and repeat them, as if you’re saying it to yourself! It could be yourself as you are now, as you were in the past, as you will be in the future. Send kindness to your past and future self, you’ll receive it, I promise. And if you’re really feeling up for it, think of someone that you may not like, someone that has hurt you, someone that might even call an enemy. Now repeat the phrases again, this time thinking of that person, as if you’re saying these phrases to them. Notice how it feels. Wow. 

Forgiveness is powerful. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness by sending kindness to those who have wronged you. You deserve it.